Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day, 2012

Today was agony. All I kept thinking was, "I want my mother. I want my baby." Over and over again. This was my first Mother's Day after losing Violet and since my mother was placed in a nursing home. I miss both of them every. single. day. And it never gets easier.

I'm a mother, but my arms are achingly empty.

I'm a daughter, but my mother doesn't know or remember me.

I remember the delirious joy of having a mother who loved me to distraction and of having a baby girl to hold and snuggle and love. I remember what it was like to, for a short period of time, have everything I'd ever wanted when growing up. And I am sharply aware, every day, of what it feels like to lose it, all the while watching everyone around me live out their dreams with little-to-no trouble or effort.

My husband and I are trying to conceive again, and it's been an incredibly difficult time for us. Hubby and I are both struggling with the entire journey.

So today I wallowed. I ate peanut butter chocolate ice cream and potato salad out of the container. I finished the first season of "Bob's Burgers" on Netflix, caught up on my Mary Higgins Clark book, and did my nails. Hubs painted my toenails. I drank Mountain Dew and played with the label maker that hubs bought me as a non-Mother's Day present (does he know me, or WHAT?!). And I took more internet-cheapy pregnancy tests than should be humanly allowable. At $0.69 a piece, they're an affordable guilty pleasure that allows me hours of forehead-wrinkling, squinting-into-the-natural-light-while-examining-a-tiny-slip-of-paper-for-ANY-sign-of-a-line-at-ALL fun.

It was an intensely sad day for me and a deeply discouraging one. But I will persevere. I promise.

"8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;" -2 Corinthians 4:8-9

2 comments:

  1. Gretchen...my heart aches for you.....I think of you often and pray that God will bless you and David again with Violet's big sister or brother.....many hugs and always know I am here as a friend....Love! Beth

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gretchen, this is heart breaking to read. I was thinking about you on Sunday. We sat next to David at church and I realized where you were. I don't know you well, but now I know more of your story and I really admire your strength. You are an amazing person to put on a happy face every day and share your beautiful spirit with everyone.

    ReplyDelete