Today started out...kind of miserably. The day before, I had had a complete and total meltdown. It was an Anger Day. I'm finding that as I skip around in this grief process that there really are no set "steps" the way most people think that there would be- Denial ---> Anger ---> Bargaining ---> Depression ---> Acceptance. In fact, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross never intended for them to be viewed as chronological in nature but rather a means of identifying the range of emotions that one feels after a loss and helping the person and those around them to understand and categorize their feelings.
That ALSO means, however, that any of those feelings can broadside you on any given day at any given time. So rather than "Okay, it's May now, which means that I'm in the Anger Stage of my grief," the process tends to look more like this:
9am: *yawn* "Oh the sun's shining! It's going to be a great day!" (Acceptance)
11:30am: *sound of ambulance rushing by* "That sounds just like the one that came for Violet..." (Depression)
1:30pm: "Oh good. Another smoking pregnant teen! Fantastic. Clearly THEY deserve to be pregnant and about to bring a child into the world." (Anger)
3pm: "Maybe if I'm really, really good about reading my scriptures every day and if I'm REALLY diligent about NEVER forgetting my morning and evening prayers, Heavenly Father will let us get pregnant again..." (Bargaining)
5pm: "Oh good! I just remembered, I put dinner in the Crock Pot this morning and it's Hubs' day off tomorrow, which means we get to have a date tonight! Fun!" (Acceptance)
So you can see how exhausting and CRAZY this can make you feel. And how difficult it can be to try to explain to someone from the outside looking in on your insanity. And how some days you just don't really feel like getting out of bed at all.
But, the thing is, I've learned that not getting out of bed just leads to thinking too much and obsessing too much and crying too much. And that leads to the stage that I seem to be most often stuck at- Depression. Sad, grey, lonely, in-my-head-for-days Depression.
But today, which started out SO miserably and which looked like was framing up to be a Depression Day ended up being pretty wonderful.
1. The good folks at Rival sent me a BRAND. NEW. CROCK POT. For FREE. I KNOW.
Hubs had written them about six weeks ago because the latch on the lid of my Crock Pot (which was a wedding present from my bestie almost three years ago and which has endured a LOT of use! I LURVE my Crock Pot) broke and wanted to know if they could send him a new one so he could fix it. They told him that they don't make that particular model anymore, so the parts aren't available. INSTEAD, they asked him IF IT WOULD BE OKAY if they sent us a brand new instead. As an apology. UM. YES. I SUPPOSE THAT WOULD BE FINE. It was a little bit smaller than the one that I had originally (which still works PERFECTLY and we told them that but they insisted on sending the new one!!!), but...it's PERFECT. I had WANTED a second one, but couldn't justify the money right now. So...problem solved and Rival has lifelong customer in me for SURE. I'm SO incredibly happy right now. Happy, happy, happy. And I already have tomorrow night's dinner IN the Crock IN the refrigerator, ready to be transferred into the Crock Pot tomorrow morning for tomorrow night's dinner. As a welcome home for it. lol.
2. The first meeting of the Witty Knitty knitting club met tonight at my house and it was completely fabulous. Wish you were there!
It was me, my bestie, and Miss A (a friend from High School who is now a bona fide NEW friend all over again and certifiably great) and we sat, ate treats, knitted, and chatted. It was...well. It just WAS. We had a blast and I can't WAIT for next month's meeting! Miss A gave me a crash course in sock knitting (which I had been trying my hand at with no success after a certain point up to now!), Bestie worked on a luscious, cozy-looking scarf for this winter (which, given how mild this last one was, I expect to start some time in July) and Miss A worked on her socks-in-progress which I was and am deeply envious of.
3. Witty Knitty gave me an excuse to deep-clean my house! Finally...
Don't judge me but...I've been really overwhelmed. And a little bit lazy. And the house (especially the carpets. The vacuum and I have had words on more than one occasion.) has borne the brunt of that. So today, with my girls coming over and a deep desire to not look like a Hoarder, I cleaned REALLY well ALL OVER. Even the coop and brood box weren't safe from my onslaught of cleanliness. I vacuumed EVERYTHING in sight (I think my zeal terrified that dreaded appliance into submission), rearranged the furniture in the living room (which meant that I even vacuumed UNDER things. I know.), cleared the countertops in the kitchen, hung some pictures which have been piled under a giant mess neatly folded and organized clothes, and dusted. And then I baked muffins for WK. Because I'm Betty Crocker. And you know what? It feels WONDERFUL in the house now. Clean, open spaces that are completely decluttered soothe my aching soul. They please my eyes. They give me hope of maintaining them. They make me want to be out in my home enjoying it rather than hiding under the blankets in my bed, scared to face the world outside the bedroom door. It feels...manageable. Do-able. Up-keepable. (Yep, that's a word. Just accept it and move on.) I can feel my spirit breathing again. My to-do list feels shorter. Love.
4. My $19.99 couch from Goodwill looks FAB in the T.V. Room- just like I hoped it would.
Seriously. That couch is, to borrow a phrase from the '90s, dope. I love it. It's made of something my dad referred to as "classic, '70s Herculon," which sounds like it could survive nuclear fallout, which in turn means that it has a good shot at standing up to our cats. Good news! Plus, it's wicked comfortable. I know, because Hubs gave it the Afternoon Nap Stamp of Approval. Since I was able to deep clean everything and get the furniture situated the way I want it, it looks especially marvelous. I love. The best part? With that room furnished and organized, the only thing left to do is PAINT it. This means that I have finally, FINALLY eradicated the feeling of avoiding a particular room in the house! There are no longer ANY rooms that I feel the deep need to avoid for the health of my psyche and/or good mood. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!! Love.
So all in all it ended up being a good day. A really good day. Moral of the story?
STAY BUSY. DON'T WALLOW.
At least, not for more than one day. I need to give myself a day to heal on days that are particularly painful (like Mother's Day), and then pick myself up and keep moving. Just KEEP MOVING. It's okay to look back, but I don't need to stay stuck in the past either. Not when I've been promised that the future will be so blindingly bright. I just need to stay active and engaged. Stay involved in my own life. I think that that just might be the secret. At least, for today it is.